April Fool’s Day Edition
Editors Note: While this post honors April Fools Day, the rest of the day’s posts will adhere to traditional KCP journalistic guidelines.
De Blasio Announces Nations First Affordable Horse Stables
Mayor Bill de Blasio yesterday announced he has reached an agreement with the city’s horse carriage drivers and developers to build the nation’s first affordable horse housing.
Dubbed Skyrise Stables, the plan calls for a narrow 36-story, 235-stable unit high rise off of Central Park on Fifth Avenue with the first two floors to house veterinary offices. Of the stable units, about a third or 78 will be earmarked affordable.
“Promise made, promise kept,” said a beaming de Blasio. “When I first came to office I promised I would make this a city livable for everyone and Skyrise Stables sends a progressive message to the rest of the country that we will not abandon horses that put their hoofs to the ground everyday lugging drunk tourists in circles around Central Park.”
Of the affordable stables, 50 percent or 39 are reserved for working horses with moderate income and a third are reserved for horses with very low-income based on area median income (AMI).
The announcement is expected to allow for the city’s existing horse stables on the upper west side to be sold for development, and best of all there will be no layoffs for either horse nor driver in the carriage industry, said de Blasio.
Working horse advocacy organizations around the city lauded the initiative.
“No longer will horses have to sow their wild oats on the streets of New York. Now that they can live practically right across the street from where they work,” said Take the Track By Trotting Executive Director Cowboy Red. “I applaud Mayor de Blasio and the City Council for coming together around this historic agreement.
Lander Proposes Wall Between Between Park Slope & Sunset Park
Vowing to make Park Slope great again, City Council Member Brad Lander yesterday vowed to build a wall between Park Slope and Sunset Park utilizing money from City Council Member Carlos Menchaca‘s participatory budgeting allocation to pay the cost.
“We face a huge problem stemming from immigrant constituents from Sunset Park flooding into Park Slope and taking all of our jobs. You can barely even find a pizza place these days and get served by an Italian. It’s almost always a Mexican that serves the slices,” said Lander.
When pressed by reporters that without Sunset Park immigrants filling the jobs, the spoiled rich kids of Park Slope may be forced into work, Lander responded that he will utilize part of his participatory budgeting allocation for a program that will pay Park Slope’s teenagers to literally do nothing.
“Park Slope’s teenagers will continue to be able to get high in their parents’ brownstones and then hang out in Prospect Park during the summer,” said Lander. “It’s their God-given right.”
Under the proposal, a 15-foot wall will be built along 20th Street from Seventh Avenue to the Brooklyn Harbor waterfront.
Jewish Lawmakers Propose Falafel Ban At All CUNY Schools
Brooklyn’s Jewish lawmakers yesterday acknowledged that falafels were indeed invented and perfected by Palestinians, and then quickly passed a joint city/state resolution to ban them from all city colleges.
Among the lawmakers signing onto the resolution were City Council Members David Greenfield and Chaim Deutsch, Assembly Member Dov Hikind and State Senator Simcha Felder.
“While we remain deeply concerned about anti-Semitic incidents and the BDS (Boycott, Divestment & Sanctions) movement on CUNY campuses, we as a caucus have decided to fight back through the stomach,” said the lawmakers in a joint statement.
The National Falafel Front (NFF) called the move to ban the fried ground chick peas delicacy a huge leap back in the wrong direction.
“According to our most recent survey, 70 percent of all Jews attending CUNY schools eat falafels while only 65 percent of the Muslims eat them so it would stand to reason that the ban would only hurt the very people it is supposed to help,” said NFF Spokesperson Mustafa O’Malley, son of a Irish day laborer and Palestinian homemaker.
Cumbo Proposes Ban of Any Art Depicting White Men
Fort Greene/Clinton Hill City Council Woman Laurie Cumbo, co-chair of the Council’s Women’s Caucus, this week proposed a bill that would ban any city funded art projects that included a depiction of white men doing anything good.
Cumbo, who is also a champion of the arts, said depictions of white men showing any act of kindness or doing anything positive for society would send the wrong message that there are actually some good white men in the world. The ban will not include any depiction of white men doing evil and ill moral things, she said.
Cumbo said she is considering to include any male or female Asians doing anything good as part of the ban, but stopped short of also including religious Jews as they are major campaign contributors.
“All art, especially street art, should reflect only positive things that blacks and Hispanics do,” she said, adding that any expression of art stemming from or referring to drug usage, decadence of any kind, sex, satire or street hustling should also be banned.
The City’s First Lady Chirlane McCray threw her wholehearted support behind the measure against depicting white men doing anything good.
“The only exception that should be written into the law is depictions of my husband, Bill de Blasio, and those should always include halos over his head,” said McCray, who added with a wink that her husband continues to make a great third wheel in the Gracie Mansion First Bedroom.
